Grandy-Cranky-Isms

Grandy is CRANKY!!  Foul foul mood indeed.  I want to put myself in time-out.

A clear sign that Grandy needs a time-out is when the following conversations take place:

Him #1:  When you're done typing away over there, come see me.

Me:  Well since I have enough work to last me 3 years, I am guessing you might forget what you wanted to tell me by then so...tell me now.

Me: Do you have time to do this today?  I need it ASAP.

Her: Could you tell me what my deadline is?

Me:  How do I translate ASAP into minutes again?

Him#2: Please tell her I will be attending.

Me:  I did. In the email you actually responded to.

Him#2: Oh, I must not have actually read it all.

Me:  SHOCKING!!

Me:  I haven't heard from you responding to my email requests.

Schmuck#1:  How long have you been trying?

Me:  6 weeks

Schmuck#1: Ohhhh...yeahhhhh...ya see.  We have been real busy and short staffed.  Could you send me another email?

Me:  And what should I put on THIS email that would trigger a response?

Schmuck#1:  How about URGENT?

Me:  How about "Bad Faith Lawsuit Pending"...will that work?

As I re-live these moments to share them here, I giggle.  I suppose I am not ready to be completely committed just yet, because as long  as I can still find the humor (regardless of if I can laugh at the time or not) I might still have a fighting chance.

Xanax anyone??  :-)

Please Push Grandy's Button

Crunch time is on.

Grandy is off of work next week, but not before a week of LONG days, and LONG nights. Deadlines, meetings and reports all to be wrapped up by Friday, along with evening events I cannot escape.

All Grandy is really asking for, truly, is that she have no computer system issues. She is bowing to the IT Gods who can make this happen. HOWEVER...such is not the case this morning.

Grandy is going to need a little extra assistance in making it through this week (alive and out of prison). So, for once she is asking you to...PUSH THIS BUTTON!!

Go ahead...you know you want to. Push my RELAX button, and see if it helps me at all.

Don't you wish we had one of these on our keyboards for real? We could put it over in the 10-key section. Right next to the "RESTRAINT" button, the "WAKE UP" button, and the ever popular "FANTASIZE ABOUT BLOWING THINGS UP" button.

Small Town News

Grandy doesn't get a chance to read her little local paper very often. It comes in the mail every couple weeks and let's face it, Grandy isn't exactly up to speed on checking her mail and what collects in it.

As I was catching up on a couple issues today, I was reminded of the fact that although the paper only has 20 pages to it, there are at least 4 pages combined of ads, 4 pages of news (including focus spots on the local high school sports programs), it's always a great place to find a calendar of events, and then there are TONS of editorials.

Between letters to the editor, "columnist corners", and whatever else strikes these folks, it is pretty comical. You've got to love an angle from an old Legion Commander, and his thoughts on how the young folks should be doing things. Then there's the "other thoughts from the hill", where we have an old hippie promoting the legalizing of pot. Oh yeah, I live in a cool place.

What really struck me was this little outburst. It's not in the "Letters to the Editor" section, not in the Editorials, nor is it mixed in among all these "columnist" rantings. It was simply titled, Special Traffic Notice!, and it read:

Well, While traveling 60 mph on Foresthill Road the other day, a lady insanely ran out of passing lane trying to zoom around me. She had to go into the oncoming traffic lane to make it and then gave me the one finger wave for being in her way. Is this the Foresthill behavior we all want to display to the world? It is my observation that it is ALWAYS a well dressed woman attempting murder to save 3 minutes on the drive to the freeway. Husbands...could you please bring this subject up in your house before we all have to attend some woman's funeral?

Ok, again folks...THE SPEED LIMIT ON FORESTHILL ROAD IS 55 MPH!!
...
IS THAT CLEAR ENOUGH FOR YOU?

While the person that passed him is not THIS well dressed female, I find it amusing that he not only recognizes he was going 60 MPH in the section where the passing lane exists, thus not allowing her the opportunity to pass. He would also probably be the same individual that drives 40 mph where the speed limit is 55, and then guns it when we do have the opportunity to pass, so we cannot.

The irony that he thinks he is making a plea for our "safety" by asking our husbands to have a little chat with us is hysterical.

Just goes to show ya folks, we small town people can have our idiots in the media as well.

Let's Recap...

Today Grandy took a bold step in the office. She's prepared to take her career to that next level, and isn't going to let little petty insecure people try to manipulate her.

Step 1: Grandy participated in a great class that explained a lot last week. - WIN

Step 2: Grandy had some words with one of the more "seasoned" professionals (and when I say "seasoned" I definitely mean he has more salt mixed in with his pepper on the hair he has left). Rather than play the old Grandy, and curse him out, there was a diplomatic response and I walked away.

Step 3: Grandy followed up later in the week with same putz seasoned man via email and said, "Perhaps we should discuss this further".

Step 4: Grandy scheduled an appointment with said putz.

Step 5: Grandy met with same putz and had a frank discussion about his a-hole-ness. He tries to justify his actions by exclaiming that he's just an ass, and that's what I should be used to. I explained that although I'm quite familiar with his ass-ness, that was merely a character flaw as opposed to an excuse to treat people like crap.

Step 6: Grandy expresses her appreciation for agreeing to have the meeting. It's important to clear the air, if you're going to grow and be able to work together. I explained to him that now that we're both on the same page, I will feel far better the next time he acts like a turd and I have to tell him to F-OFF!!

Oh yes, Grandy is growing up...but not all the way. ;)

Strange Marketing

It's only Monday after returning to work from my glorious vacation, and yet Grandy already finds herself asking WTF.

While trying to wind down, and also trying to tune out the TV commercials, a commercial came on I hadn't clued in on before.



WHAT?

Learning in your pajamas?

I thought the FIRST commercial they drowned us with (that twit that sings the annoying song) was bad enough. Are they actually reaching the couch potato population and going to inspire them into an education?

Really???

I am all for online colleges...but REALLY? It's more fun to do a lot of things in your pajamas, but I'm not sure my degree decision was based on fuzzy slippers.

You Didn't Just GO There?

Grandy took little man Grandy to the orthopedic doctor on Friday. It appears my boy has a tear in his ACL in his right knee. Really? More surgery for the family? Poor little man.

While at the doctor, the doctor is explaining the process and what will happen next. Grandy interrupts him to explain that I have had 3 reconstructive knee surgeries, all surrounding my ACL and LCL. I've so been there...done that. I know every physical therapy exercise, every medical term associated with the procedure, and all the pain that my little man is in store for.

The doctor continues with his explanation for the follow up appointment next week, and suggests that "perhaps" Mr. Grandy would like to be there at the appointment. He explains to MY SON that often he gets calls after the fact from Dad's who say, "Yeah, my wife was in there but didn't understand all that you told her, so please explain it to me."

::blink blink::

Seriously? Did we transport back to 1960? Did I not JUST mention that I've been through this process 3 times??? The biggest "surgery" that Mr. Grandy has had involved the removal of his wisdom teeth (which he still, to this day, says was "major surgery"). Grandy has had more surgical procedures than she has fingers and toes, and you think that I'm not going to get what you're saying??

Little man's face went white because he just knew that I was going to go off. I did not, however, "go off" on the poor un-suspecting doctor.

What did I say in response, you ask??

Nothing. I smiled.

What did I think in my head??

Oh...I'm sure you can figure THAT out!!

Dear Craig's List Scammer~~~

Grandy wants you to know that she may have been born at night...but it wasn't LAST night.

When we posted Ty's dirt bike on Craig's List, we knew we were pretty new at trying to sell stuff online. But hey, people buy and sell stuff online all the time... We can do this.

When your first email, offering to buy the dirt bike came in without you seeing it, Grandy was first a little blinded by her joy at the thought of getting it sold. You asked for different pictures of the bike, and Grandy was thrilled to send them you you.

You came back with your offer, and Iwas even willing to overlook the fact that you offered $50 if I would pull it from Craig's List right away, and said you wanted to send a check. While trying to sound cordial, Grandy offered to let you keep that $50 in exchange for sending a Money Order.

While trying to make conversation with you in the email, and find out where you were from, I should have known the direction you were headed because you never got specific.

Another day goes by, and you send another email. Trust me, this is where you absolutely blew your scam...

There is something i think i must bring to your notice.After a reconciliation of my account,i discovered that somehow my partner must have over paid you.The payment that was meant for another transaction was sent to you and the one meant for you was sent to another,however i want to believe i wont have a problem with you. Please once you receive your payment,i will like you to deduct your money and send the remaining via western union to the manager of the shipping company that will help me with the pickup.

Really?

I'm not sure what turnip truck this putz thinks I fell off of, but the grammar alone should have given me a clue in the earlier emails.

So...he wanted me to deposit his check (which we all know would be a bad check) and return the extra money back to him. Really? WOW!!

Please folks! PLEASE tell me you haven't fallen for this. Grandy was close to falling for it, while blinded with everything going on, but finally woke up. It breaks my heart to think these people are successful even some of the time.

PLEASE DON'T FALL FOR THESE SCAMS!!

Sincerely,

Grandy

WTF Wednesday - Feeling Hostile

Grandy thought that Tuesday was a better day than yesterday's Grumpy Grumperton from Grumpville day. REALLY.

However...this serenity prayer pretty much sums up the frustration and hostility she can't quite keep a handle on.

Can you read it? It is not intended to mock the actual serenity prayer (Grandy actually relies on that on a regular basis) but it does work for Grandy right now.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I cannot accept,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

Where do I sign for this mantra??

Grumpy Grandy

You know those days when you should just get back in bed? Well today Grandy realized before she even got out of bed that it was going to be one of those days.

FOLLOW YOUR GUT GRANDY!!

Well in classic Grandy style, rather than sit here and mope about her day, she has decided to come online and bitch and moan share with you all some clues she's had throughout the day that maybe pointed out the fact that Grandy was in a foul mood.

Clue 1: When carpool friend asks you, as you're walking to her car, "What's the matter with you today Grumpy Grumperton from Grumpville?" - Was it THAT obvious?

Clue 2: Ladies...when you use the toilet seat protector in the restroom, Grandy is pretty certain that if you didn't want to plant your ass on the seat, we don't want to plant OURS on your seat protector. Here's a hint...flush it WITH your stuff. - Normally things like that don't bug Grandy.

Clue 3: Nasty Man calls weekly to yell at Grandy. TODAY...Grandy hung up on Nasty Man. - Oh yes she did!

Clue 4: One of the owners sends a special invitation to 9 people in the company for a special event on his boat. Grandy realizes she is the ONLY female in the group, and her first thought is not one of appreciation, but an image of Grandy entering into the lion's den.

Clue 5: Grandy is having a discussion with an attorney representing a crack whore plaintiff who has a history of tormenting my client and other tenants with threats of physical harm. While cutting the conversation painfully short, Grandy let it be known he would have his hands full with his client. - Normally Grandy tries to keep those things to herself, but when she got off the phone she couldn't help but feel bad for the guy.

Clue 6: Grandy had 6.3 people ask her if she was alright today. - Seriously? I tried to keep to myself and mind my own. Is that where I went wrong?

Yep! Grandy was in a bit of foul mood indeed.

Oh well. At least she can laugh about it...tomorrow.

A letter to Grandy's Bank

Dear F*CK*NG Bank Management:

I very much appreciate the level of efforts you go to to make sure that Grandy's account is safe from identity theft. I can even appreciate that although it was somehow YOUR FAULT that somehow our information may have gotten into the wrong hands, you thought it was most prudent for them to issue new cards. That was very thoughtful.

What I don't exactly understand, however, is that although you sent me a new card last week, and a letter explaining what had happened, that you decided that all of a sudden SATURDAY would be a good day for you to flag the flipping card.

You see, your bank is not open past 1:00 on Saturday. So when Grandy has a ga-zillion things going on at one time, she maybe doesn't make it to the bank to activate her card so she can set her pin. After all, nobody remembers the damn codes you send in the mail, so I need to get to branch to activate a pin. Because Grandy likes to promote local commerce, she uses your small bank for the sense of "community" she gets when she walks in to your remote location, she can't necessarily make it to your branch before you close at 5:00 30 miles away from her dang office.

Please allow me to explain the inconvenience experienced with your decision.

Grandy is at her new favorite store, BevMo. Did you know they are having their 5cent wine sale? Oh yeah, Grandy walks up to the counter with 6 bottles of wine (I swear they were not all for me alone) with her debit card in hand. She swipes the card, and has the following dialogue with the cute young man at the register:

- Him: Ma'am (because Grandy LOVES being called Ma'am) do you happen to have another card? This one is not working.
- Me: What? Why? There's money in there!
- Him: I'm not sure.
- Me: There must be some sort of mistake. ::swipes the card again and notices long line forming behind her with only this ONE register open::
- Him: Ma'am (there's that word again) would you please look at my screen.
- ::Ty and Grandy look up at the same time to witness the following:: PICK UP...SUSPECTED FRAUD.

WTF?!?!

- Him: Ma'am (now he's starting to piss me off)...I don't want to have to take your card.
- Me: Okay, there is obviously some mistake. Please set this box aside and I'll go outside, call the bank, and see if I can straighten this out.

Grandy walks outside thoroughly pissed off and calls the bank. YEP!! The money is there! She proceeds to a nearby credit union to get some cash, ass-u-me (ing) that there is some sort of issue with BevMo's machine.

Guess what Bank Management...THAT DANG ATM KEPT MY F*&K*!!G CARD!!!

When Grandy called your bank to calmly discuss her predicament today, and could hear several customer service reps in the background discussing the same thing, she was a little more than irritated when Lucy (the bank twit) acted like it was not a big deal at all.

All cards were deactivated.

WTF? REALLY??

You are lucky, you bank butt-heads. You are lucky that I drove 20 miles home, activated the card, and could use it as a credit card so I could put gas in her car to get to the Special Olympics the next day. We would have missed out on some amazing experiences, and Grandy would have had to come down you and show you WHY she doesn't like to be called Ma'am.

F*CKE*S!!

A Rant Letter from the Middle-Man

Dear Mr. & Mrs. Soon-To-Be-Exes;

Grandy understands that not all marriages are designed to last. We all can appreciate how difficult divorce can be to go through.


You are both very giving people, offer your own strengths, and are very valuable to our group of parents. It can't be easy to work so closely on community things, when you are going through your divorce. This is why Grandy has given you every f*cking opportunity to step back on your responsibilities within our volunteer board.

Really, as leader of that board, I encourage you to take some time to evaluate your priorities. It's VOLUNTEER! You are going through a lot!! I GET IT!! I have tried to give you your out!! Frankly, there isn't a week that goes by that I don't try to encourage at least 3 people to fire me from this board.

HOWEVER (and you knew this was coming) the moment you start using said board as a pawn in your little games of "who's going to look bad" and "where's waldo the idiot" I must draw the line.


In my day job, I must diplomatically tell people bad things all the time. As a member of this board, I must be equally diplomatic with parents of our boys and the community. Trying to keep your internal games from being obvious to the group is absolutely killing me though.


ENOUGH!!!


We are here for the kids. I know you love your kids. Please step up, do what you promised you would do, and then back off!!


Signed,


Sincerely hoping you will fire me soon...

Full ON False Advertising

Dear President of PUTZ Company,

I write you this letter to make you aware of a gross unjustice.

The Grandy family uses your product religiously. The sandwich is the staple food here in the Grandy household. My guys will make a turkey sandwich instead of reaching for cookies or chips.

What I'm trying to say is...we buy your product because we LIKE it. You don't need to try to come up with crafty ways to sell your product. No need to wonder to yourself, "Gee...What will make people want to buy us more than the other guy?"

Grandy promises that it is not YOUR LID!

Really Mr. Sales & Marketing Guy? How many people make their comparisons based on THE LID?

Normally I wouldn't rant about such an advertising technique.

HOWEVER...(and you knew there was a BIG BUT here)...

Your LID LIES!!!

When you go out of your way to feature your "NEW Easy to Open Cap!", perhaps you should consider making sure the lid is indeed easy to OPEN!!

Grandy tries and tries, gets her 13 year old son to try, and ultimately has to have Hubby open the jar. If he's not home, we have a special strap thingy that opens jars that is really a pain to use, but it is STILL needed.

All I can say is...Your mustard or ketchup competitor never tried to make their lids lie like that.

Wait, maybe they did try the "NO MESS CAP!" BASTARDS!!!

You all SUCK!! Go back to what you did before with the lid so Grandy can make a dang sandwich by herself again, PLEASE!!

Thank You!

~ Grandy

Minor Ranting Ahead

I'm afraid for those of you who came over to check in on how Grandy's first day back at work went might have to come back after day two.

The fact that I'm currently posting means I have survived.

However, I have a quick little note I'd like to write to someone while I'm still really pissed reeling from it.

Pull up a chair...it could get interesting. Grandy is about to get... UN-EDITED.

*******************************

Dear Coach;

You have coached my son in Basketball for 2 years as a head coach. You coached him one year as an assistant coach. You even coached him in T-Ball for 2 years when he was a wee lad and still picking the daisies in the outfield.

So please tell me...no wait...ENLIGHTEN me as to how I am to explain to my son why you decided that this year he was not good enough for the team. Why you chose to cut 3 of the 7th graders on the 7th grade team, in order to put 3 of the 6th graders on the team? What the hell is this crap about you wanting to start a "core" team for next year?

I am about to sound like a disgruntled parent who whines when her son doesn't get his way. Well for once I am going to say HELL YEAH I'M PISSED!! Grandy is inserting no flippin' diplomacy tonight.

How is it that you promised a spot to a boy (who I will grant you is very talented) who broke his collar bone 2 days before try-outs and can't even play for 4-6 weeks?

YOU explain to my boy why you chose a kid who has NEVER played basketball before over these kids. Living in this small town, I get how you grow to know so many of them.

What about thanking him for begging his mom to take him to try-outs even though he's sick and sounds like a seal in heat. He busts his sick little a$$ for you and where is your own son tonight? Home...with the sniffles...but on the team.

Parents of boys who made the team were outraged at the way you've handled this thing, but Grandy is not going to complain to you in person. She would love to have her molotov moment with you, but will refrain. Grandy is not about to turn this into some sort of thing that would have a negative reflection on her son.

I'm all for competition, and have never been a big fan of equality for every kid because frankly some are better than others. But I will tell you this here...GET OVER YOURSELF!! THEY'RE EFFING 7TH GRADERS!!

As I comforted my broken-hearted 12 year old tonight, who has no voice but wanted nothing more than to just be a part of your team again, my maternal protection surfaced in my throat like vomit in a pregnant woman.

I will see you in town...I will be polite...but know this...I want to kick you hard.

YOU SUCK!!

THE END

A New Nickname for Grandy

Shortly before my health threw me under the bus took a minor step backwards, Grandy had what she would refer to as a "verbal vomit" with her HR department.

It wasn't intentional. I promise!

It was brewing...and actually quite resembled my A Telegram to our Company post. Really it was a lot like that, but actually worse.

The conversation consisted of "ENOUGH!!"...blah vomit blah... "You want us to take it in the shorts and send you a Hallmark card to boot." ...blah vomit blah... "You have no idea how hard people are working...nor do you care!" ...blah vomit blah... "I got over the whole 'lucky to have a job' emotion 2 weeks after the layoff and now I wonder who got the better end of the deal." ...vomit vomit vomit.

Oh yeah. Grandy went there. Yes she DID!

After the hour-long call with the HR Director, Grandy panicked and realized...um...that could go bad. Well, Grandy's boss wasn't there that day but she knew she didn't like to learn of things through others. So Grandy's next call was to her boss on her cell.

It went something like this:

"HI!! Um...er...You might be getting a call from HR." ...pause... "I didn't mean to, it just kinda happened." ...pause... "I would claim the twinkie defense, if I could eat a twinkie." ...pause...

Finally, after an eternity of silence from her she asks, "What did you do?"

I repeated my conversation providing MOST of the vomit recap.

Her response, "Alright. Thanks for letting me know."

"Sorry!" I told her.

"I know," she said.

The meltdown incited call from the CEO to me, a meeting with the Director and VP and Boss, and a team meeting.

The day I learned I had to have yet another surgery, she called me to her office. I was FREAKED because now they didn't have to keep me. I can be a trouble maker, and I've seriously stepped in it this time. The only thing that could save Grandy right now is that she is DARN good at what she does.

She comes to bring me to her office and says, "Come here, my little Molotov."

She was very sweet and re-assuring. My outburst somehow became a catalyst to open the lines of communication. Workloads were being looked at. Grandy actually had her voice heard, and then had to go have surgery.

I worked very hard with the temp they brought in. I purposely pushed off the surgery as long as pain would allow so this could be done and my team wasn't carrying too much of a burden. But the time came and I had to leave my desk to a very competent temp.

Well...guess what...

Molotov Mary returns to work tomorrow.

Wish THEM luck!

I'll see you all here tomorrow.

It's a wonder Grandy's head hasn't EXPLODED!!

Since the surgery, Grandy has felt bitchy...well...hormonal easily frustrated. Little things seem to irritate her more than usual.

Waiting in line at Costco behind a nicely dressed older woman who is clearly spending $300 on merchandise, while she bitches about the validity of a $2.00 coupon, normally would amuse me.

Standing in line at Starbucks at 5:45 AM, while a woman holds up the line while two of the employees are helping her with the super-deluxe-cuisinart-everything-but-the-kitchen-sink-coffee-maker would also not cause Grandy any pause...normally. I mean really, why would it? Maybe she was on her way to a 6:00 am office suck-up party and wanted to beat the crowd.

But even the mild mannered (ever sarcastic) Grandy can only take so much.

The final straw occured over the last week, for a week. Yes, A WEEK PEOPLE.

Some of you might remember Belly Watch 2008 Continues, where I explained my son was having unexplained stomach pains. Well that post was back in July, and here we are in November. Yep, he is STILL having these pains.

A couple weeks back my sweet 12 year-old had to have an endoscopy (scope down the throat) and colonoscopy (self-explanatory). It's a horrible procedure for any grown-up, but it was especially taxing for a 12 year-old. Poor guy.

Well the beautiful doctor specialist did a biopsy and said she would have the results the following week. She said she would call and we would discuss. She is pretty confident he has chronic appendicitis, which means they may take the appendix out.

Here is the trail of what has transpired with this beautiful doctor lady (BDL for short).

Tuesday (last week) - BDL leaves a voicemail on my cell phone at 2:30 saying she has the biopsy results and needs to discuss.

Grandy returns the call at 3pm and leaves a message.

Thursday (still last week) - BDL calls and leaves a voicemail on my cell phone at 8:30am again. Grandy's cell phone doesn't get a great reception at her house but I saw the number and knew it was her. I immediately called the office and...held for 10 minutes...left another message. I asked the lady...could you have her call me at home too? If I'm not at home I'm on the cell but never at the same time.

Friday - Called BDL to discuss the results again...left another message. Please call cell OR home. Please? Carried cell with me everywhere when not at home.

Monday - Yet another effing call to BDL (Grandy's mood is starting to swing downward...quickly). Still clutching the cell phone.

Tuesday - 7:03am...after being up until 5am that morning (different blog post for tomorrow) and we had the following chat:

BDL - Hi! This is Dr. "Beautiful" (ok...not real name...but she truly
IS beautiful)

Grandy - HI!!

BDL - I got a message you called. What's up?

Grandy - Huh? We played phone tag trying to connect and go over his
biopsy results.

BDL - OH! Well it came back clean, but I still think it's that chronic
problem we discussed.

Grandy - Oh, I see.

BDL - I'm going to have a surgeon review and order another CT scan, since he
hasn't had one since July. Then we will have a comparison.

Grandy - ::pausing because I know how he hated the first CT scan::
Oh...alright.

BDL - I'll have the girls in the office coordinate it and get with you to
schedule it.

Grandy - Alright.

BDL - And I know how hard you are to get a hold of, so I'll make sure they
keep trying.

Grandy - Huh?!?!

BDL - Alright, BYE!!

*click*

I couldn't post about this because it's taken 2 days for Grandy to find the humor in the conversation. I mean...WTF? She says I'm hard to get a hold of? By the way...still no call from the girls in the office.

Figures.

Well...there's always tomorrow. At least tomorrow's Friday.

Who's up for some happy hour? Screw the time difference...it's 5:00 NOW.

See you tomorrow!!

Don't Threaten My Dogs

Have I introduced you to Grandy's dogs?

This is Sierra...She's our "Puppy".

This is K.C.... he's our old boy.

For the record these pics are the first two I took with my new camera beck in December of last year. So' I was still learning the whole focus thing, m'kay?

Now, the Grandy family has a wireless gate system. Those collars send off a beep that tells the docs when they get close to the perimeter on our property., in the event that they don't see the flags on the perimeter.

This invisible gate can sometimes be a bit problematic, when people go running by our property. They walk their dogs, or just walk each other, and usually my dogs ignore them. There is the occasional time, however, that the dog or the jogger will get my puppy excited and want to play. How does she communicate this? She barks.

Well quite often we are outside with the dogs when this happens, and either me or my son explain, We have the fence. Not to worry. She just wants to play. Don't worry, she can't get off the property.

Some of the responses have ranged quite differently.

Oh, it's alright. She's cute!!
to
Oh good to know! She startled me for a moment.

On one occasion, however, Grandy heard her son out playing with the dogs as she was going to the restroom (there's a window in the bathroom on the side of the house where he was playing). Some b!tch actually cursed at my son, and threatened to call the cops and have the dogs taken... and put down. WTF?

UGH...My son was instantly in tears. I couldn't finish my "business" fast enough (and washing my hands) to run out there and hunt that b!tch down. Ty was so panicked, there was just no calming him down after that.

I got in the car and even drove. I couldn't find her. Oooohhh I was so angry!!

This morning, I'm outside letting my dogs do their thing, and a man walks by. I smile at him and he keeps walking. The "puppy" starts barking and runs to the end of the perimeter, which is a good 20 feet from the perimeter of the property.

This man, for whatever reason, starts yelling at me that I need to chain my dog up! He's a hazard and a danger. What? She barked twice to say, "let's play". I do my typical bs with, she's behind the invisible fence, it's alright.

That wasn't enough for him. He is still yelling at me and the DOG.

Oh, Grandy is walking real slow right now, hurts more when she's emotional, and was pissed. I started to explain further as I walked towards the edge of the property, and he just jogged away saying he would call the sheriff.

What?

Oh this man was so lucky he was jogging and Grandy could not. I'm afraid what this liquid crack-takin' girl would have done to him. All I can say is, the sheriffs would have been called alright.

Why is it when little yippy dogs bark, people are fine? It's not like Grandy's dogs are all that scary. Why are people so nasty??

I tell ya this...we take very good care of our dogs. Old boy is getting up there (he's 14). I don't know what we'll do when his time comes. To threaten to hurt someone's dog is like threatening their children.

So you...Mr. Jogger...and Ms. B!tch...watch yourselves.

Grandy will be off her meds soon...and she'll be ready for you.

You want me to eat WHAT?!

Yep, Grandy is home from the hospital. The hospital stay was a bit longer than I had anticipated (Grandy was hoping for out-patient as that was best case scenario). Oh well, I'm home now, on some serious meds that actually make me feel sick, and having a grandy ol' time. Get it? "grand-y ol' time"?

Ahhh nevermind.

I do have to share that yes...I did get the same crazy bitch nurse that I introduced you all to in Okay...THANK YOU!!. How is that possible? Just lucky I guess. She was "something" alright.

More importantly, I must share with you the menu.

The procedure I had done requires that my diet be limited to soft pureed foods for a little while. Alright, so Grandy can live on "Cream of Something Soup" for a little while.

What I did not expect was this for lunch:

Or this for dinner:

No flippin idea what these things are? Neither did I at first.

Lunch was tolerable as it was pureed chicken and pureed carrots. I could tolerate that because carrot juice isn't horrible but it was friggin' as close as it gets.

Dinner...oh what can I say about dinner? If you guessed canned cat food, you would be close. It was pureed pork and pureed peas. SERIOUSLY???

I did try a bite because I'm a dumbass trooper that way, and tried to pretend it was meat loaf. I had to call the crazy bitch nurse back in and say hell no.

She said, "But this is part of your diet. You have to eat soft things on Stage 3 foods." "Then drop be back to Stage 2 and bring me cream of anything soup," I snarled. "Okay...THANK YOU!!" she replied.

UGH!!

After that it was soup, cream of wheat, or yogurt. And it still is.

What I want to know is...was I wrong? I get the feeling the cook even cringed when he slapped that crap on the plate.

So, Grandy might have been a cranky patient this time around, but the reasons kept coming at me. Wait until I tell you about my roommate!!

Thursday 13 - ish

Grandy has always been a fan of reading other blogs that post according to the days of the week (Wordless Wednesdays, Thursday Thirteen, Haiku Fridays) but has always had a bit of a fear of commitment.

Let's face it, I can barely remember what day of the week it is, much less remember that I was supposed to post a picture or a poem. I post what strikes me, and fear if I miss it, the Thursday 13 police will come strike me down. (kidding...the conspiracy people need not be alarmed...I don't believe there really are any T13 police out there.

The pressure is too great.

Also, Grandy has never been very good with rules. Is the 13 supposed to be positive? In Wordless Wednesday, what if you take a picture of words? Haiku???

Today, I'm going to do my own version, as I'm sitting here frustrated with the fact that I seem to be having a flare up (of sorts). What sort of flare up, you ask? Well, a tourettes flare-up of course.

Not only have I had 2 days of saying ASS on my blog in a week, but I have been dropping F-Bombs like the battle of Normandy. I don't think I can get off the phone at work without chanting... A$$HOLE.

It really is difficult to control...I promise.

I've always had a bit of t "blinking" problem. The kids called me blinky in school (kids can suck). When I'd get nervous, my eyes would then blink AND roll. Ok, some of the rolling of the eyes was under my control (I know Mom, I know) but not all of it. The more I get worked up and stressed, it gets worse.

Have I been formally diagnosed with it? I don't remember...

Do I blame it for my swearing? Hey, if I can put up with getting called Blinky as a kid, then I think I get to.

That being said, I've been out-of-control lately with it. Why? Long days...short sleep nights... lots of stuff going on. This morning I was trying to think about all the things that might be contributing to this recent efing flare up, and thought...Hey! I can kinda make a list of 13... sorta... maybe.

So, without further adieu, here are 13 reasons for my efing tourettes flare up.

1) 5 hours a sleep a night - max
2) 13-14 hour work days - a few days a week
3) Football practice - Ty...not me
4) Boy Scout Parents - Really? Are we all 12?
5) Olympics - Part of the problem of little sleep
6) School started this week
7) Cycle - Not the uni-, bi-, or motor- kind
8 - 13ish) Statements like these made to me either in writing or personally:

"Are you really this ignorant, or just intentionally mis-informed?" - He's an Ass

"I shouldn't have to teach you a course in law or contract interpretation." - Same ASS

"What do you think this is, a civil rights violation or a traffic violation?" - Yep! You guessed it! The ass is still here.

"Let's face it, Mary, they don't pay claims people to think." - Different ass (finally).

Me - You want me to send you all the contact information in one email?
Twit - Yes Ma'am
Me - But it's in the submission package I provided already
Twit - I didn't read that yet, it would be easier if you just sent that.
Me - You want me to do extra work to make less work for you?
Twit - Yes Ma'am
(Seriously?)

Big Boss - So, I'll see you at the meeting at 8am.
Me - But the meeting is 120 miles from my home? I thought we were meeting at 10?
BB - No...it's 8.
Me - Well you're buying the coffee.
(No I didn't get in trouble for that comment...yet)

"Mom...I think we forgot to pay the phone bill." - Text message from my son because phones didn't work. I did forget, it's not about the $$ I just FORGOT!

Even as I write this list, it's no wonder I can't stop saying Fother Mucker.

Hey Cranky Pants!

Yeah you...

That's right, you know I'm talking to you.

I am sorry that it is 7:00 and you have to be here, in the lab, and you are fasting.

Guess what...So am I!

I am sorry that you see 3 people walking up to the counter all at the same time and you decide your 75 year old a$$ has suddenly entered the Olympics and you feel you must full on sprint to the counter to get ahead of the little old lady in front of me. I would have let you go in front of me, if you needed the needle that much sooner.

Your smugness as you turned, having "beat" us to the sign in desk was amazingly awesome. I wish I could have somehow replicated that.

Oh, and the exact moment I realized today's blog post was going to be dedicated to you?

It was either when I sat 2 seats away from you...you sneezed...I said bless you...you.ignored.me. OR when the next elderly lady came in, there was nowhere to sit, and I gave up my seat. You instantly puffed your chest up to kind of look like you were taking two seats, when the seat between us was empty.

It was not just your sheer, unadulterated rudeness that made me want to draw your blood myself caught my attention. It did.

It actually gave me a different kind of reaction that I hadn't considered, and I'm actually quite grateful for.

You made me laugh!!

I'm quite certain this was not your goal when you snorted at your name being called before mine and the other very sweet lady who was wearing all yellow, like a banana. (Let's face it, if someones dressed like a banana, they must have a sunny disposition, right?)

So...today I honor you, Mr. Cranky Pants, with this blog post specially dedicated to you. Congratulations for your victory over us this morning. I'm quite certain the men at the Legion will hear about your acts of brave heroism. I'm pleased I could bring you such joy...and let's face it...some exercise, in what otherwise could have possibly been a mundane day.

Oh, and by the way. If you want a little piece of advice... The pants you wear are truly meant to stop BEFORE your man boobs. The "at the armpits" look just isn't workin' for ya.

I'm just sayin'!

New Employee Handbook

NEW OFFICE POLICY
(This email has come through Grandy's email several times over. It cracks me up, and I hope you like it too. I HAVE worked for a company like this, and am still amazed at how much it resembles other companies I've encountered.)

Dress Code:

You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor; you are able to come to work.


Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.


Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary; the funeral should be scheduled in The late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.


Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.

After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under The "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.


Lunch Break:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Above average people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


**Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.


Your Manager