Wednesday, August 6, 2008

New Employee Handbook

NEW OFFICE POLICY
(This email has come through Grandy's email several times over. It cracks me up, and I hope you like it too. I HAVE worked for a company like this, and am still amazed at how much it resembles other companies I've encountered.)

Dress Code:

You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor; you are able to come to work.


Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.


Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary; the funeral should be scheduled in The late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.


Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.

After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under The "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.


Lunch Break:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Above average people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


**Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.


Your Manager

14 comments:

Mrs. F said...

OMG...I loved the part about the 5 minutes to drink a Slim-Fast. Laughing Out Loud over here!

Our lunch was considerably longer than the 30 minutes you should have been allotted. Hope your photo is not posted up on any naughty-employee bulletin boards or anything!

Mike Golch said...

My God when did you become a corrections officer???
That's the way we were treated!

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Makes me happy to be a SAHM!

Suzanne said...

LOL. I've worked for places like that. Notice the past tense?

Thanks for the laugh...

Debbie said...

I once came across a dress code that stated that bras and panties were to match. Now, who was checking to be sure that was enforced?

mysecondjournal said...

I sent that to our big boss..he LOVED it.

Michele said...

HILARIOUS, Grandy! You should be rich for just this one post. I'm serious! ;-)

*smiles*
Michele

Michele said...

Oh nevermind little ole me! I rubbed my tired eyes and read that fine print under the title and realized you didn't write this! It sounds like something you'd write, though, seriously. ;-)

*giggles and snorts*
Michele

Tina Coruth said...

LOL This is a riot!

Grandy said...

Mrs. F~ If my pic is up, it's me with a smile and a birdie. That would put me in the mental block for sure.

Mike~ Too funny!!

Jenn~ I know deep down you're jealous.

Suzanne~ I did notice the tense, and hope it stays there.

Debbie~ I can think of a few men that would volunteer for that job for sure.

MP~ Just so he doesn't incorporate these rules.

Grandy said...

Michele~ I love your comments anyway. No need for recognizing the fine print.

Tina~ Glad you liked.

Al said...

My favorite is the bathroom policy! Especially the photo! You can't make that stuff up. ROFL

Sandy C. said...

ROFL!! This was hilarious :) The dress code still has me in stitches!

Grandy said...

Al~ It's scary isn't it?

Sandy~ I won't be getting a raise, I know that. ;)