Monday, November 19, 2007

Don't Tell Anyone

Pssst! Over here!!

Can you keep a secret? Promise? You mustn't tell a SOUL!!

Remember how I mentioned that to be with me it's always an adventure? I'm like Laverne without her Shirley, Lucy without her Ethel. I usually have to warn my girlfriends, if it's going to be a one-on-one day, to watch out. We're going to have some 'splainin' to do when we get done. Well, I have to tell you, it's worse when I'm by myself.

I have to get something off my chest, and feel close enough to you that I might be able to trust you. I once got caught...dumpster diving. You know, diggin' through the trash, mining for goodies. Well, I wasn't actually looking for goodies.

Really, there was a good reason!!

I was cleaning out my car at the gas station, because I absolutely live in it during the week, and was throwing out the random trash from boys in the back seat. I pumped my gas AND checked my oil. I was feeling quite productive and like Supermom!! Able to multi-task in a single bound.

I got back in the car, humming a little song, and went for my keys. Beyond that, I suddenly had an "other" body experience, ya know the kind...where you wish you were someone "other"? I vaguely remember it going something like this:

Keys? WTF? What did I do with my flippin' keys?? Mustn't panic...Look around car...notice large trash can...NO WAY!! They're not in there!! Check the car again, oh sure NOW I clean it. Ok...check under the hood. I had just checked the oil after all. How about the hood? I can't tell you how many things I've lost because I drove off with it on top of the car. Nope...not there!! SHOOT!! Good news is there is no one else at the gas station. NO ONE!! Dare I? What are my options? Call Hubby and have he and son drive 20 miles to get me another set of the keys...while NEVER hearing the end of it until I die?? I'm not thinkin' so. Ummmm...running out of options. Perhaps I can get them out of the top? Here goes...

Ewww...what a smell!! Ok, like the little blue napkin thingy is really helping protect my hands. (Quick...buy stock in Propel NOW!) I remove the lid and look around the top...no keys. DARN!! Don't tell me the darn things took the plunge to the bottom, like they do with my purse.

Just as I get about elbow deep in the can, a car pulls up and stops just next to me. Frozen, and having a new understanding for what deer feel like when caught, I thought if I stood there, no one would notice this lone white woman, who seems bathed and ok, with her entire arm in the trash can. Out walks the most distinguished looking white haired man I've ever seen. Get me out of here!!

Grandy: *Self-Conscious smile* Hi
Handsome white haired man: You CAN'T be having a good day.
Grandy: *Still Smiling* I can't find my keys, I'm afraid I've thrown them in the trash.
HWHM: *Now standing right next to Grandy, looking in the trash* Mind if I watch?
Grandy: Huh??
HWHM: Frankly, my wife's sister just got to the house so I really have NO HURRY to get anywhere, and I get the feeling this is going to be the best laugh I'm gonna get all weekend.
Grandy: Um...Nope...I'm good. But thank you folks, I'm here all week.

Out of sheer horror, and this sudden urge to fake fainting, I pulled my arm out and said, maybe I should check my car again. I walk around the other side, and this time reach into my pocket. ACK!! MY KEYS!! No time to show my excitement at finding them. Now have to somehow exit stage left with any remote shred of self respect I could pull out of my shoes.

Must think fast...how to make this happen...HWHM is still standing there, but his back is to me at the moment. I quickly run to the garbage can, grab keys out of pocket, knock them against the can and say "HERE THEY ARE!!" HWHM can't hide the disappointment as he shakes his head. "Good luck with the sister-in-law," I shout to him. Gotta run!!

I pull out of there as if I'm in the Daytona Grand Prix (or whatever it's called) drive about 2 blocks, pull over, and thrust my head repeatedly on to the steering wheel.

Why do I do this to myself?? I need help....but for now...just another bath.

9 comments:

URBAN PEDESTRIAN said...

Yes, you're obviously hopeless and should not be let out on your own. All the cool people have personal assistants. They come in handy for all those lucy moments. You should get one. Maybe the old dude is available since he seems to have so much damn time on his hands

Mrs. G. said...

I wish someone had captured this on film. Mary, you really do know how to have a good time. I'm glad that you were able to save face. You are so funny.

Grandy said...

Urban~ EXCELLENT suggestion!! I'll definitely have to consider an assistant!! Wait...that would be good job for child.

Mrs. G.~ There are so many moments that I'm afraid someone IS capturing it. I feel like Candid Camera could do a whole season on me sometimes. :) Glad I made you smile.

Linda said...

Don't we all have one of those - "I wish I had a comedy writer with me" moments at least 100 times a year!?! Well, at least those of us who read your blog get a chance to laugh WITH you - not at you - this time! Keep putting it out there! This is funny stuff!

Renie Burghardt said...

Funny stuff, Grandy!


Renie

Michele said...

Laverne and Shirley and Lucy and Ethel are only like THE BEST!

As for the keys and your stinky self... Enjoy a bubble bath and don't worry... your secret is safe here!

Gotta luv ya--you're just TOO FUNNY--hehe!

*Giggles*
Michele

Grandy said...

Linda~ Never worry about laughing at me, I'm so over that. I have to laugh.

Renie~ Thanks...as always!

Michele~ I loved Laverne & Shirley AND Lucy & Ethel. They were always funniest together. :)

faboo said...

Can I watch? Yeah, that's a foot-to-the-head sort of question. No, flying footHAHAHAHA

I thought that I got into..."situations". While I've been known to empty the trashcans here at home, I feel blessed that I never had to dumpster dive.

Grandy said...

Oh Faboo...It's always an "adventure" with me. ;)