Wednesday, December 31, 2008

See Ya Suck-It 2008 - Let's Ring Bring-It 2009

Well ladies and gents, the time has come to officially let 2008 KISS MY ASS pass through, like sands through the hour glass. As I look back on the past year, I feel truly blessed to have survived with my sanity in tact...or at least barely in tact.

SUCK-IT 2008 did not suck for me because of the economy of the world, gas prices, or the outcome of any proposition election decisions made. Let's face it, I have no control over those things, so I'm determined not to let it affect my mood. It may sound Polly-anna like, but trust me, I have to try and stay positive.

SUCK-IT 2008 has sucked for the following reasons:

1) December 2007 wrapped up the year with a glorious trip to Mexico with the family, which I have often referred back to, fantasized about returning. However, the trip was still in the midst of my sister's open heart surgery and so that was how we rang in the new year.

2) When this blog began in October 2007, I was on a "medically-induced sabbatical". I returned in November 2007. January was when my health started to decline again, and the pressures of work started to wear on me.

3) March saw my first major surgery of the year. 3 weeks into my recovery, I was on the road again with my sister, to show our love and support for a dear sweet aunt. What a year this woman had. She is so strong, and we truly love her.

4) In April, Grandma's health start to decline. She had taken a nasty fall in March, and it got worse as she began to lose her will. She ultimately lost her fight in May. Miss you lady!!

5) July, August, September, October, November and December saw the Grandy family dealing with health issues with the youngest Grandy.

6) October saw my 2nd major surgery, after dealing with significant pain through August and September, partnered with extensive painful testing throughout.

7) Sprinkled in throughout the year saw two brother-in-law lay-offs, one brother-in-law major back surgery and pain (my heart breaks for them and I pray he will recover soon), more health scares for sister with the heart surgery, friends laid off, "acquisition" at work, dying pets in the family, and a partridge in a f*cking pear tree.

There were some high spots in 2008, and I tried very hard to focus on those here. I never intended to be about pages and pages of "woe-is-me-isms". Instead, I prefer more and more "Grandy-isms". I ready to say good-bye to 2008? You BET!!
That's why I'm ready for "BRING-IT 2009"!!

Who's with me?????

I only have one New Year's Resolution...Not to require anesthesia for the year. It can be done... I know it!

Monday, December 29, 2008

Grandy's Word Association

Grandy is returning to work after a few days off, and it's probably for the best. Yesterday, the little Grandy was given the task of cleaning his room...bwuahaha... a task that he would swear was ripped out of the encyclopedia of torture treatment.

I'm not sure why he thinks it would be fun for me if all he does is come out every 15 minutes or so, asking if he can be done yet. Remember...the kid is 12 (and a half) and has really good vision. Why is it only me that sees EVERYTHING on his floor? Wrappers from gifts, coins, some explosion of a bag of sunflower seeds, more coins, is that a sock? candy? UGH!!

When I have to ask, "What is this sticky stuff?!?" then it is time for me to go into the other room, poor myself a big drink and drink, slowly plot his death drink some more, and run away screaming drink even more.

It is pretty sad that I don't mind coming back to work so I don't have to hear, "Can I be done?"

A couple weeks back Storyteller was participating in this, you say...I think thing. Actually, I've seen it go around because I've seen good ol' Mike Golch do this from time to time also. Well you know how good I am at doing what all the cool bloggers do. Yeah...I don't. Either that or I do it so late, it's not cool anymore.

Anywho, I thought it would be fun to share a couple. It's a word association in Grandy-land.

Carpet :: Cleaning
Bottoms :: Up
Music :: Rocks
Nails :: Fake
Watch it! :: Don't Slip
Your life :: Blurs
Candies :: Kill
Chafing :: Hurts
Svelte :: Hot
Ding :: A-Ling

Travel :: Expense
Expensive :: Jewelry
Backspace :: Edit
Traffic noise :: Annoys
Now see here :: WTF?
Vegetables :: Bore
Chat :: Blab
Your calling :: 411
Weekly :: Therapy
Oh! :: Shit!

Hey, it could have been worse.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Grandy Can't Sleep + You Tube

HA!! Grandy sometimes calls hubby this as a pet name...really. Although...I've never done it on television.

This lady doesn't realize her mic is live and calls her hubby an arsehole. YYYYY

He would never make me do this though...


So reader...have you ever had to publicly apologize?

Do tell...

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

A Cyber-Birthday Card

Dear Mom;

I write you this note well aware of the possibility that you may not see it. I know you don't always come see what goofy crap I come up with here. I get that you might even hate that I say crap.

While everyone is crazy with the hustle and bustle of the holiday, I wanted to dedicate this post to you. Today you are off doing what it is you do best, taking care of others, while secretly hoping we all forget that today you turn a milestone birthday.

It would be rude of me to reveal your age on the world wide web. I learned that the hard way when I educated the entire girl scout troop that you were not actually 39 when I was 10. Sorry about that, by the way.

So many times your birthday is overshadowed by another important birthday. But today is all about you!! I really wish we could all be together this year. But like I said, you are off doing what you do best. You are taking care of others. You have had to nurse me through so much in my lifetime. UGH!! When do you get to take care of yourself?

As I watch Ty grow and witness his pain in the ass attitude evolution of self discovery, I'm amazed you did not kill all five of us growing up! Thank you for all you have done, Mom. You truly are an amazing woman, and a day does not go by that we don't appreciate what you've done for us brats.

Happy Birthday!!

When we get through this "Suck-It 2008", and get done ringing in "Bring-It 2009" we will throw you a proper party...when we can ALL be together. In the same room. At the same time. And not kill eachother.

World...It's Grandy's Mom's Birthday!! You will get plenty of opportunity to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, and every other holiday I am forgetting at the moment. But for Grandy a favor... Drop some bloggy lovin' on my Mom and wish her a Happy 70th Birthday.


Dang IT!!!!!

You didn't see that.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

The Yearly Recap

It's that time of year when Grandy receives letters from her friends that talk all about the year they've had. We love getting these letters as a recap from friends, and although we know some of it is friggin' crap bragging a bit embelished, it is still nice to get these updates. Without these, we might not ever be able to keep track of exactly what Tommy is doing in his Freshman wrestling team.

Well now it's time to put a fun spin on these holiday letters. Who's game??

Dear Family & Friends;

Wow! It's hard to believe that 2008 is already coming to a close. This year has been great for our family! Where should we begin

Uncle Louie finally found his teeth, which helps because he and Aunt Laverne won't have to share hers anymore. Praise Jesus!

Our kids, Leroy, Linus, and the twins, Larry and Larnell are all doing real good. They are all on schedule to graduate the 5th grade together this year. We're really crossing our fingers that Leroy makes it this time. He'll be old enough to drive this year, and that would really help if he could drive his brothers around more, especially with the new baby due in the spring.

Oh yeah! I didn't mention that! Leroy Sr., the love of my life, has been doing real real good. He's been allowed more congi- cong- um- er- one-on-one visits with me at the prison, and we finally have a girl due in the spring. Leroy says it's on account a him being the bitch for a change, that's how he made a girl. Either way, I'm real excited for little miss Lucille to join our family soon.

I've been real fortunate at work. We had a biker convention roll through town and I got all kinds of overtime at the mini-mart. Some of them even tipped me on account I'm pregnant and working through the holidays. That pregnancy card sure can come in handy over the holidays.

Well, I better wrap this up so I can go and wrap the kids' presents. I'm sure you won't tell them, but I got them each their own toothbrushes this year. They will so like not having to share that anymore. I also got them some baseball cards at a yard sale. I don't recognize any of the players, and I can't say any of their names, but the boys love their baseball so I'm sure they'll like 'em.

I hope you all have a great 2009. I'm sorry I don't bother to write or call throughout the year until now. It's only cuz...well you know... I don't really like y'all anyway.

Yours truly,


Thursday, December 18, 2008

Grandy's Office Party

'Tis the season to lose reason!

Fa-la-la La-la la-la La La

Pass the drinks and screw the season!

Fa-la-la La-la la-la La La

It's that time of year boys and girls!! A time of year where we are forced to brave the roads in bad weather. A time where we must share the roads with everyone else on the planet. Our favorite time of year where we all converge on the stores in search of crap gifts for our loved ones.

Throughout the season, the true spirit of the Holidays is truly lost on many. Christmas is not about the sales, the gifts, the crappy weather. It's all about the FUN!!

And what provides a recipe for fun more than the OFFICE "HOLIDAY" PARTY? Alright, because I don't care about being PC here (it's my blog and I can say Christmas if I want to) I am going to call it the OCP - Office Christmas Party.

Grandy's office party rocked like it was 1999 (sing it artist formerly known as...and now known as...whatever your name is). Let's face it, these things are a hoot to attend just for the sheer entertainment value alone. It should almost be a requirement for anyone with a blog to be forced to attend their OCP so they can come back as the roving reporter and spill.

The funny thing about OCPs? Um...helloooooo....WE WORK WITH THESE PEOPLE!!!

We know the saying, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."

Well it can't possibly stretch the imagination to, "What happens at the OCP, stays at the OCP." Really. Don't. It's just not worth it.

So...without further adew...Here are some things Grandy overheard at her OCP...

Lady hugging salesman - "What? No Tongue?!?"

Suck-up Salesman of the Year (title not earned for "salesman" by the way) -
"I LOVE that guy!" as he just met the new president of the company. As he walked away, he says to same new president, "Go UTAH!! Give me knuckles MAN!!"


Lovely young thing (interrupting while Grandy was having a conversation in a group of 6 men)-
"Oh my gosh!! You are not just smart and funny now, girlfriend! You are smart, funny AND HOT!!" (yep...Grandy wanted to hide)

Different Lovely Young thing to Salesman -
"So...what do you want? To go with her? OR me?"
- Really...I can't make this up. There was a finger twirl of the hair happening to. This could have been a complete honest Three's-Company type misunderstanding but...methinks not.

Salesman - "You will save me if she has too much to drink, right?" (for the record? she did...and Grandy did not. Dance Puppet!!)


All in all it was a grand party. There were so many people who had not seen me in over a year, and since losing all my weight, that people didn't realize it was me. Then I spoke. I spoke the truth, I spoke the funny, I spoke the real.

Watch out people!!

Oh yeah...and Lovely Young Thing? You are are sweet...guys notice... you don't have to work so hard.

I'm just sayin'

**Edit: Don't know how I forgot about the wonderfully generous gift card the company gave each employee. It was very nice. But the icing on the cake statement for the night?

One Boss Man (while looking at the back of the gift card) - "Mine is EXPIRED! It says 12/12."
Grandy - "Um...It's not a carton of milk. That is for the year."


Monday, December 15, 2008

It Could Be Worse

Grandy is going to nominate this poor guy as the winner of today's "SUCKS TO BE YOU AWARD".
Grandy took this pic from her cell phone while hubby was driving. How wonderful that he turned into the same parking lot as us so I could share with the world wide web.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Random Grandy Finally Gets Video

My dear friend Dens, over at Black Cats R Lucky has finally gotten off her ass posted up a meme. To honor the moment, she has tagged me back. I post this in fear that we will lose her from the blogosphere for-evah if I don't.

The Rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you - Done
2. Post the rules on your blog - Done
3. List 6 random things about yourself - Really? Isn't this entire blog full of all Grandy Randomness??
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post - UGH! You're killing ME!!! Oh wait, it's doesn't say tag people and piss and moan in the process. I got it.
5. Let each person know they have been tagged and leave a comment on their blog - Ding Dong I come!!!

Hmmm...I can't be the only one thinking it's strange that the rules for 6 random things should have 6 rules. Right? I am the only one?

6 (more) Random things about Grandy:

1) Grandy has never watched an episode of Survivor. Ever. Never. Really. No intention to either.

2) Grandy can't wear just socks on her feet...not more than 5 minutes anyway. There is a strange obsession. I either have to wear slippers, shoes or NOTHING. Never just socks. It's a dry feet thing.

3) While we're on the subject, Grandy has a strange thing with dry skin and chapped lips. Too much of either of these will push me into homocidal OCD tendencies.

4) Grandy doesn't snore anymore.

5) Grandy gets a big kick out of this song on her CD (you will understand when you listen):

6) Speaking of COFFEE, Grandy just bought her first coffee maker 2 weeks ago. It took 1 week to figure out how to set the automatic start.

Now...for the tags.

Joyce-Anne - You're getting very good at playing along in the comments sweet cheeks! Share with us!!

phd in yogurtry - Step out of your sessions and enlighten us with your goodness.

BeeDancer - Alright lovely lady...tell us somethin' bout you in Florida!!

Simply Elegant Girl - This cutie patootie is going have some pretty good stuff I think.

LadyJava - Grandy's readers...Grandy's readers...MEET LJ!!

Dory - Tell us more about you, lady. What you can recall that is. ;)

Thanks everyone!!!

***EDIT: IT WORKED!! THE VIDEO THING WORKED!! There might be hope for Grandy YET!!!***

***P.S. EDIT: Grandy just keeps watching the dang video over and over because really...there are talking pictures on this blog!!!***

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Superhero Symbol Needed

When Grandy posted about The Sweet Old Man it must have triggered something in the erectile dysfunction universe.

NOT kidding!!

Unilaterally the entire erectile dysfunction superheroes, with their capes and strong penis emblems blazen on their tights, keep stalking visiting this blog with their suggestions on how to get to keep one...and how to let one go.

Why is it that? Was it the fact that we questioned the poor man's mobility or dexterity behind the wheel? Was it the fact that we wondered if that lovely number he was with was his wife or his daughter? Or was it something as benign as the fact that the words "old", "man" and "honk" were used (in no particular order) in the same post?

Now the bastards visitors are trying to get their spam in to some other posts.

Personally, I think Vince Neil would be insulted to know that you felt he needed to learn about Viagra at The Crue Review. And really, the "MoFo" part of the NoMoMoFo 2008 was seriously NOT directed at you.

One can only imagine what superheroes will converge on this blog now that the word "penis", "erectile", "dysfunction" and "LIMP" are used. Alright, technically I hadn't used limp before now but really...that is what we're talking about...right?

Where the heck are those spammers that can lift and enlarge your boobs with a pill? That I want to see.

Until then... Fear not dear citizens of Grandy-Land!!

Grandy is prepared to battle all evil spammers, while donning her cape. She is able to burst your bubble with barely a need for her wit. Able to delete your spam with only the strength of a mouse.

Her uniform, however, seems to be lacking that special symbol, however. All the cool superheroes have them. Superman had his "S". Wonderwoman had her Eagle wings draped across her boobs (I think that's what they were), Captain America had...what did he have? A flag and a trash can lid?

The superhero of Grandy-Land needs a symbol.

Any ideas???

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Magic con Queso

See this cheese???

It's MAGIC!!!

It has a way of DISAPPEARING!!

Grandy has nothing up her sleeve, and NO rabbit hidden in her ass hat.

Don't believe me?


Cross my heart and hope to fry!!!

Grandy brings one of these to work every day and 3 times recently when she goes to get it from the's GONE.

Grandy will find you, my precious.

Next time...when you disappear from the office ... TAKE ME WITH YOU!!
Must get me some of that MAGIC!!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Grandy Feels So Pretty

As the mother of a boy, I feel it is my duty to help enlighten my son on what might work with the girls, and what won't.

If Hubby does one of his dumbass man moves cute little mistakes and well...happens to say, "Honey, your 29" inch ass is blocking my 29" screen." (Oh yes he DID...albeit years ago but there is NO statute of limitations on a statement like that!) That opportunity is usually highlighted in the Grandy home as a learning tool for Little Grandy.

You know what I mean, right?

See what your Dad just did, Honey? Yeah? Good. Don't EVER do that! Ever.

Or how about this one???

Grandy says very excitedlyafter dieting for a couple months. - "Look honey!! I don't have to wear your big T-shirts to hide my belly anymore!!"

To which Hubby responds and almost loses his life - "Why? Are you buying bigger shirts?"

See what your Dad just did, Honey? Yeah? Good. Don't EVER do that! Ever.

Now as he is learning to communicate, my son will try to start a statement with, "No offense Mom..." or "Don't take this the wrong way..." And usually we talk about his statements and we separate what is being honest and what is better left unsaid, or if his statement is one that would even make one offended. I'm really quite proud of the way we can talk about these things.

For instance, one night Hubby and I were getting ready to go out and I was putting on my make-up. Ty comes into the bathroom and says, "Ummmm Mom? Don't take this the wrong way, but you look really good without your glasses."

That is obviously a compliment, and I'm training him well. We discussed that when he says something like that, he's paying someone a compliment and doesn't have to start it out with the first part. He said he just didn't want me to worry that I looked bad with them (he's so sweet).

I truly feel he will make a G-R-E-A-T Hubby himself someday. If I can teach my son nothing else, it will be how to communicate with people. I owe him that.

But alas...with every star pupil, there is bound to be a few set backs. ::sigh::

Recently he walks into my bathroom as I'm getting ready to go out (again), my favorite perfume recently spritzed for luck, and he walks in...coughs...GAGS...and says, "Holy crap, MOM!! What's that stink? It's horrible!!"


Oh well. I feel compelled to stay on task and look at the greater good that is being done. Another learning opportunity is before us. know what you just said? Yeah? Good. Don't EVER do that! Ever.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008


The Grandy family typically goes camping every year for Thanksgiving. For at least the last 7 years we have had turkey in our trailer, at one desert or another. It was perfect! We would order one of those turkey dinners from the store, it would fit perfectly in our oven, and we would feast.

Don't believe me? Take a gander at this pic (taken with Grandy's cell phone; pre-beautiful-camera days)...

Blackened Batcave BATMAN!!! Grandy just realized this pic was taken July 2007. About 18 months and 80 pounds ago...That WAS Grandy's ass on that Quad.

More importantly (no really, get your eyes of the "artist formerly known as" Grandy-Ass) please note my Trailer behind me.

The Grandys LOVED that trailer. It was our main mode of vacationing. Then...Grandy got whiny and started saying stupid stuff like, "It would be nice if we could take a where I wasn't surrounded by nothing but dirt."

Well, Grandy got her wish! (stupid Grandy) Last Thanksgiving we noticed a soft spot on the floor of the trailer. Uh-Oh! Better take it in!! We have really good trailer insurance (of course we do, Grandy works in Insurance) and they'll take care of it.

Well...we take the trailer in. Months go by...surgeries happen...more stuff trailer yet...Guess what folks! Grandy's trailer ends up being a TOTAL LOSS!!

"WHAT?!?" I know you're asking yourself.

It's true though. That soft spot on the floor was just the start. Apparently water had gotten in and completely rotted out most of the floor under the bed and in spots where we had not known it. We were fortunate because the trailer was covered, and in retrospect, I suppose it was better to find out this way rather than losing our bed on the interstate.

The Grandys had to cancel their Easter 2008 trip to Nevada, their July 2008 trip to Oregon, couldn't take our few trips to Dillon's Beach to go crabbing, etc. By the time Thanksgiving was upon us, we decided we weren't going to let the fact that we didn't have a trailer keep us completely off the dirt. Poor Ty had missed out on some good riding time.

So...Grandy rented a room at a hotel in Reno (which is about 20 miles away from where all our peeps were camping) and checked in about 11:00pm on Thanksgiving. Grandy couldn't sleep that night, the whole holiday just wasn't the same.

The next morning Grandy gets up, feeds her addiction, and slowly makes her way out to the vehicle (pouting), where we have all the bikes tied up on a flat trailer.

As they approach the vehicle, Grandy notices a yellow slip on the windshield. Too big for a ticket? Too small for a flyer? There was one on a truck parked next to us that had a U-Haul trailer attached to it. It was the security guard slip reiterating the parking policy. They tried to say we were blocking another space, and the aisle way, and we couldn't park there. We absolutely were not, we parked WAY OUT to make sure we didn't block anyone (the Grandys are good that way) and were not blocking any aisles.

"What a BOOB!" Grandy says to Hubby while reading the notice. appears! The most hysterical coincidence EVER!! It truly made the rest of my day and snapped me out of my stupid pout.

Grandy notices the name of the officer:

a·re·o·la - (ə-rē'ə-lə) - Anatomy; small circular area such as that around the human nipple or an inflamed area around a pimple or insect bite.


Not getting to do your traditional Thanksgiving in your trailer? = SUCKY

Getting a parking notice from a putz security guard with too much time on his hands? = SUCKY

Same putz having a name that is an anatomical part of the boobie? = PRICELESS

Monday, December 1, 2008

The Sweet Old Man

I'm in no hurry.

Waiting for you, Mr. REALLY OLD MAN, to cross the parking lot aisle to get to your car.

I see your elderly wife putting the groceries in the trunk of your car, as you slowly limp across the way. Or is that your daughter? You little devil.

You are so cute as I watch you walk so painfully slow. The car behind me honks, as I turn and give them the stink eye. I'm not worried about the fact that you are now slowly walking down the middle of the aisle.

How rude people can be, don't you think? Can't they see this very sweet elderly man taking his sweet time getting to his car? He can't help it if he moves incredibly slow. He's elderly and has lived an entire full lifetime. He's earned the right to move slow.

I find myself smiling, wondering what stories this man could tell me, as he is still walking in front of my car. He's not quite cut that angle to get out of the way, and I actually don't care.

I wonder if he's fought in a war? Or how many? Is that really your wife? (Really, she does look a little young for you.)

As my mind continues to wander, he finally cuts that angle and slowly waddles over to the direction of his car. Your female companion has finished with the few groceries she had. I smile as I think how they will go home and share some conversation over a game of chess or scrabble.

I realized...this man could be my Grandpa. This is why I could reach out and HUG him. So many things about his frame, and his age, that made me think of him.

My mind wanders off to fine memories about Grandpa and I find myself getting all warm and fuzzy.

Then I notice that this sweet man is reaching into his pocket. His hunched frame slowly waddles across the aisle, not quite clear of my small car yet. "What's he getting?" I think to myself.


I realized that this old man is getting the dang keys to the car? His female companion/daughter/wife is now in the passenger seat and this man is walking towards the driver's door.


This man couldn't even move with enough agility to button his own pants and now he's going to DRIVE?!?!?!????????????


Any fond walks down memory lane were quickly met with a halt.

Get me out of this dang parking lot before this man can turn the key!!!

Crisis averted... for now.