Wednesday, December 30, 2009

WTF Wednesday - This TOO Shall Pass

Guess what folks?!? UPDATE!!!

Grandy followed up with the Urologist (like a good little girl) first thing Monday morning, from work. She held off on taking any pain meds that day because she had a HUGE presentation at 1:00, but had a back-up plan for taking the meds on my way out the door AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

Urologist office tells Grandy, "Our first opening is a week from Tuesday."

::blink blink::

Excuse me?!?

She says, "I'm sorry, but he only sees patients on Monday and Tuesday afternoons, and we're all booked up already."

::blink blink::

Excuse me?!?

Oh yeah, Grandy decided to make the appointment for NEXT Tuesday, but apparently her body realized that was WAY too long. Yesterday Grandy wakes up and logs in to work at 6am. She decided she would work from home that day, knowing that she had to try to get in to see someone else sooner.

At about 7:30am she gets a call from her primary doctor. "I'm trying to get you a referral somewhere else."
Too late!!! HELP?!?! IT HURTS!!!!

Grandy gets a front row pass to the ER again. After going through the initial stuff, going through the whole "WTF" from the doctor, but getting the same great nurse that helped on Christmas Eve, the CT scan is done. The doctor comes in shaking his head. "You are NOT going to believe this," he says. "Try me" I tell him with a smile. (Oh yeah, serious drugs are kicking in.)

The rest of the conversation went like this:

Him: You have passed the stone into your bladder!!! The chances of you doing that on your own was like 1-2%. I've never seen someone pass one this size.
Me: Did you say 1-2% chance??
Him: Yeah.
Me: Well THAT explains everything!! I'm the queen of 1-2% health chances.
Him: Well, you shouldn't be having any more pain, but there's still the last hurdle.
Me: Which is...?
Him: It's still in your bladder.
Me: Ummmmm... So what does that mean?
Him: You have to try to PEE IT OUT.
Me: Really?!? So, I'm not supposed to have any more pain...but I still do. I wasn't supposed to pass this at all...but I have. So...what are my odds now?
Him: I just don't know.

Lottery ticket?...Here I come!!

Either way. Grandy has made it 364 days into her 2009 resolution with no anesthisia or "oscopies".


Sunday, December 27, 2009

361 Days and Counting...

***Warning: The following post may be written under the influence. It has been a while since Grandy has BUI (Blogged Under the Influence) of medication...but she wanted to warn you in the event of moments of rambling...beyong her normal fear of babbling.***

Grandy has pretty much established that she brought on the sucky year she's had. She had coined Suck-It2008 & Bring-It2009, where she figuratively stuck her chin out to the cosmic gods and said, "HEY YOU!! I CAN TAKE IT!!"

Well, Grandy's 2009 New Years resolution was a pretty easy task (so she thought). She had resolved to have no anesthesia or "-oscopy" in 2009. You see, 2008 she had several "oscopies" and 2 surgeries, she was DONE.

So good. Grandy has had several issues come up, that have caused her to make frequent trips to the doctor, but so far nothing major.

UNTIL...Christmas Eve 2009

Grandy wakes up with nothing short of labor pains. Considering the fact that Grandy is NOT (allow me to repeat NOT) pregnant, this was alarming. Grandy gets in to the doctor, who can't understand what's causing this. "Could this be another kidney stone?" Grandy asks (knowing my history for kidney stones). "Maybe?" He says.

Please understand that the issues Grandy references earlier all have been going on for several months, and for those months, Grandy has asked "Could I be having another kidney stone?". Each time, I've been forced to see a different doctor, go through my medical history, and get yet another round of antibiotics for what they all believed was "a bladder infection". FOR THREE MONTHS?

Grandy gets a free pass to radiology at the Hospital. The ultra-sound makes an unusual exit from the room mid-exam, and comes back. She says she can't make me drink any more water because, "You have a HUGE kidney stone."


There's no reason to be upset, or even anxious about this news. A kidney stone is totally doable and fixable. She takes me back to the waiting room and asks me to wait there. After waiting there for about 20 minutes, another lady says she's there to take me to the emergency room.

"Why?" I ask her.

"Because you apparently have a HUGE kidney stone." She replies.

At this point, no one has been able to give me any specifics, but I'm quickly escorted into the emergency room and given a bed. Luckily, early on Christmas Eve, they're not very busy.

Within a few moments, the ER doctor and nurse are there to see the "modern marvel". "How is it that you're wearing a smile?" the doctor asks me. "You didn't see me earlier, but right now I can finally sit without too much pain. WHY?" I replied.

"You have a 1.4cm kidney stone obstructing your tube." He says.
"Is that big?" I ask.
"Well, we usually measure these in MILIMETERS, and you have 1.4CENTIMETER." He enunciates.
"So...I still don't understand the connection." I replied.
"Hmmm...Let's see. We get patients in here in tears and screaming with 3-5mm stones. You have 3 times that size, and it's creating an obstruction, and you're being nice to my staff." He tries to explain.
"Well, it's not their fault." I replied.

We all laughed at that.

Regardless...Grandy's 2009 resolution may not come to fruition. As of today, I have made it 361 days into the year. The doctors say that I cannot pass this on my own. They've given me pain meds (some dang good ones) and I have to follow up with the Urologist tomorrow.

Good news... I got to come home for Christmas Eve.
Bad News... I will have to have the procedure...probably before the year is out.
Good News... PAIN MEDS!
Bad News... Pain meds make me SO SLEEPY.
Good News... I WAS RIGHT!! And my ongoing issues will be gone when this goes.
Bad News... Anesthesia.

Oh well. Maybe I'll make it to day 364?

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Annual Christmas Letter

Dear Friends & Family,

Wow! I can't believe another holiday season is upon us. It's been an amazing year! Bob got that big promotion at the Extenze plant. He's been really selling the "dick-ens" out of those little blue pills (forgive the pun). No complaints from his female boss either. All those long nights of work with her have finally paid off, and she gave him the promotion AND a raise. I'm still not exactly sure why he had to buy her the diamond earings to show his appreciation, but he IS very sweet that way.

Little Timmy is currently on the honor roll in his 3rd grade class. We've finallly convinced him to stop eating the paste during arts and crafts. Ever since we started sending him to school with lunch money, however, he seems to be coming home even more hungry than before. I'm sure it's just a hungry spurt, because I know he's spending every last penny because he never even comes home with a dime of change. That cafeteria food must be a real treat..

Things haven't changed much for me this last year. I'm still working the drive-thru at the big McDonalds on Main Street. I'm next in line to be head cashier, and then it's only a matter of time before I get to be a shift leader.

As you can see, we're doing great things in the family this year. But I am looking forward to 2009 coming to an end. I'm hoping that you all get a little something special under your tree.

Merry Christmas!!!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

WTF Wednesday - Parenting 101

Grandy knows exactly where this street is. I did not take this picture but if I had witnessed this, I would have most certainly approached the baby and stood between it and traffic.

All while saying W-T-F?!?

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Dear Santa,

Grandy has NOT been a very good girl this year. She knows this. In fact, she knows that there may very well be a special place in hell gift waiting for her on Christmas morning.

Grandy does have a small problem, however. Despite all the chiming bells, decorations, and massive ass crowds holiday shoppers, Grandy has had some difficulty mustering up the Christmas spirit.

She has tried watching all sorts of holiday movies that might help, but she can't make it past the 33rd commercial break in the first 20 minutes. She attended a Christmas parade last weekend, and proceeded to provide sarcastic commentary with some friends. (Ok Santa, that was pretty fun, but probably not the fun you had in mind.)

There's no tree. No decorations. No baking. It's two weeks before Christmas, and Grandy is feeling ever-so-ebinezer-ish. In fact, there are only a couple differences between Scrooge and Grandy at the moment. Scrooge has tons of money, and no friends. Grandy has tons of friends, and no money.

WAIT!! That's IT!!!

Grandy gets it now!! Christmas is about appreciating those you haven't killed yet love. It's about gathering with family and requiring more therapy reliving old memories. What was I thinking?

Ok Santa, tomorrow Grandy will try to get her tree up. She will pull some frozen cookie dough out of the freezer, and bake it (these domestic things take time). Since Scrooge finally found the meaning of Christmas, I suppose Grandy can too.

Thanks Santa!!



p.s. If it's not too much trouble, Grandy would really appreciate you overlooking some of her stupidity antics this past year. She knows you won't buy the temporary insanity bit for too much longer.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Titles Shmitles

Although these comments aren't as funny as previous episodes of "Things You Hear At My Desk", they are indicative of the how much fun we have in Grandy-land.

There are few things I WON'T say to ANYBODY. Grandy tends to use the "out-loud-voice" whenever possible, regardless of your title. It's not that I don't have any respect for authority, or recognize the importance of a position...quite the contrary. I just happen to think that just because you hold a certain title, it doesn't bar you from getting the real Grandy.

Watch out!!

Big Man 1 (Regional VP of HUGE Company): Thank you for helping us work through this, Mary.
Me: Cum-ba-frickin-ya!

Big Man 2 (Owner of FANCY Restaurant): Now that I'm back in the states, Mary, I need to understand this better. I knew you were just the person to call and ask.
Me: What are you buttering me up for?
Big Man 2: I'm not buttering. I'm just saying you know all this stuff, and will tell me honestly.
Me: Uh-Oh... What did you do?


Big Man 3 (CFO of Company...not sure what they do): Please review this document from our Paris location, and tell me what you think.
Me: Ummm... I think it's in FRENCH!


Not-So-Big-But-Fun-Man: I'm afraid we're about to make your client unhappy, and need to schedule a conference call. We'd like you to be on the call.
Me: Why? Do you need back-up or a witness?


Oh yeah...Grandy is having more fun than should be allowed...with her clothes on.

I wonder if any of these will reflect on my performance appraisal.

Wonder if I care?