Say it with me...

B E F O R E...

A F T E R...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

WTF Wednesday - Misunderstandings

Sometimes giving specific instructions is painful.

When you're a "big picture" kinda gal, like Grandy, you forget that sometimes people are so literal. I find myself saying something that to 99% of the population is completely harmless...and then there is that 1%.

It's no wonder Grandy uses so many words that rhyme with luck, buck, pucker, lass, pass, pit, sit, ham, cram, itch, stitch, tick, knick...well you get the point.

RAM that 1%.

Sunday Stalker Spotlight - DENS

Folks, this is not a typical Sunday Stalker Spotlight (Wait...is there EVER anything TYPICAL about this place?). This week's feature is a blogger...technically...although she hasn't posted a blog post since NOVEMBER!!

She is my personal friend who happened to start a blog because it's what I was doing.

Folks, I'd like to introduce you to DENS!! Dens and I have been friends since freshman year English class. She could tell you some stories about Grandy that Grandy's mom would roll her eyes and raise her fists at.

I'm posting remote from her living room.

I drove down to spend the weekend with her because it's just been too long, and it was her birthday too. That's right...our birthdays are just 3 days apart.

Boy did we party ON!!! Woot!! See??

**Special note...this pic was taken after the FIRST drink**

***Other note...this pic was taken after SEVERAL Drinks. The camera was not leaning...WE WERE!!***

So...without further doo-doo...Please meet DENS.

**Your Blog: Black Cats R Lucky

**Why do you blog? Where the heck have you been? - Hey man, I've been busy harvesting my crops on Facebook.

**What does your blog say about you? - I SUCK!!

**What's your favorite part about blogging? - Reading the blogs.

**What DON'T you like about blogging? - Posting...can't you tell? My last post was in NOVEMBER. DUH!!

**Does your blog personality match your offline personality? - Do I HAVE a blog personality? Who knew???

**Do you comment? - Yep!

**How often do you blog? - Um...hello...NOVEMBER!!

**What's your favorite thing to do when you're NOT blogging? - Hanging out with MZ. (Readers, MZ is her sweet boyfriend. They are too cute together. Really. Cute in a way that you can get that nauseous feeling...oh wait...that was the liquor.)

***Tell us more about YOU...

I am a Pooh fan. Note...the "H" in POOH, so as not to be confused with POOP. I collect Disney stuff, and Winnie-The-Pooh is my first love.

My favorite color is GREEN. I have shoes in every shade of it. Did you know there were so many different colors and shades of pickle or celery?

My friends are very important to me. They are my family.

I would let you post about my Jerry Springer family...but have already promised you the book rights and dibs on the movie deal, so your lawyers have advised me not to divulge too much here. LOVE THEM THOUGH!!

You and I are friends, we've been through a lot together. Car accidents (remember...not in the same car but you hitting me with yours (oh yeah Grandy readers...she did)), pregnancy tests (how many did we buy and did he REALLY do the price check?), Kamikazee-karaoke...self-titled sing worse with more.

Readers...this is one blogger who you cannot judge based on the number of times she posts. She is a good person through and through. We are close and very fortunate to still be friends.

I love this gal!!!

I Want THIS Cookie!!

Because Grandy really is a 12 year old, trapped in this strange grown-up body, when this pic was found over at Geekologie.com she just had to borrow it to share with you all. Of course, I am offering up link credits all over the place, in exchange for my reader here to be able to share in my childish giggle.

This is something I would do too!!

I would find an obscure animal cracker, realize what it REALLY was, take a picture of it, and post at a later date.

In fact...I am up to the challenge... Someone get me a barrel of animal crackers!!!

Who's Birthday Is It??

See the babes that flank Grandy on both sides?

These are two of my sisters.

One is Nurse Sister...One is Twin Sister.

Can you tell which might be which?

Let me just tell you that Twin Sister has always looked more like Nurse Sister, then she has like Grandy.

Both are beautiful BEYOTCHES!!

Well today is Twin Sister's Birthday!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIS!! I LOVE YOU!!

Yes readers...you know what that means...

In Grandy's list of top 10 questions asked of twins, "If it's your birthday, does that mean it's your sister's birthday too?"

*sigh*

Note To Self-isms - LOVE OUR BOYS

True texting dialogue with Twin-Sis this morning...

Me: Note to self...when 13 yo son stops you as you're rushing out the door for a crazy Monday and says, "Mom...I need you to sign something." RUN!!

Her: What happened?

Me: Who gets a 'C' in PE on a progress report?

Her: Kid who doesn't wan2 shower... note 2 self...when 8yo son gets out of car scratching his package don't ask if he has 2 go 2 the bathroom... u get a whole explanation of a sweaty penis.

Me: OMG! You just made coffee shoot out my nose!!!

Her: This was in front of his friends too! Sometimes it is great that he doesn't care what other people think about him...if we could all have that feeling...psychiatrists and psychologists would be out of business.

TRUE SISTER!!!

Another reason I love boys!!!

Sunday Stalker Spotlight - ME...Sorta...

Grandy has sometimes been been asked why she refers to herself in the third person on this blog. Frankly, there is not much of a good reason for it, other than sometimes when telling a story, it is less painful if I do it as if I'm telling a story about myself. Come on when I talk about this, or this... or even THIS for goodness sakes, it can make the story less personal for me, and more enjoyable for you.

Well today Grandy is going to take this reference in the third person to a whole new level. Today's Sunday Stalker Spotlight is on...ME. Not me as in the Functional Shmunctional site, but ME as in myself as a blogger at my other site. Today's Stalker Spotlight is The Girly Anti-Geek.

**Get ready for some serious Sybil dialogue here folks.**

**Your Blog(s): - This one stupid The Girly Anti-Geek.

**How long have you been blogging?: - About 4 months at the new place.

**Why do you blog?: - Did my husband tell you to ask that?

**What does your blog say about you?: - That I'm a technical idiot, but that maybe others like me can feel more normal.

**What is your favorite part about blogging?: - Comments, Community, Learning - It's like People Magazine, only without all the annoying celebrities.

**What DON'T you like about blogging?: - CRAPPY SPAM BLOGS. Not everyone has a lot to share, and they all blog for their own reasons. I never knock a personal blog because people are opening themselves for anyone who wants to come in and peak. To me that's brave. I try not to knock people for their grammar, use of the English language, or their political views because who the heck am I to judge. I just don't like to stumble across blogs who obviously don't have any readers, they just post STUFF for the sake of traffic.

**Does your blog personality match your offline personality?: - Oh sure. I struggle with all things that require electricity, whether it's online or not.

**How many blogs do you follow?: - I've lost track. There are SO MANY GOOD ONES!!

**Do you comment?: - I try to. Sometimes I read from work, or peak in on people quickly. I don't always have time to read the entire post...I mean to come back...but don't always get to comment. I LOVE TO COMMENT on posts if I think I have something to contribute to the conversation.

**Does your family know you blog?: - YEP!! They don't get WHY I do...but they know I do.
**Do they read your blog?: - Some do.

**What is your favorite thing to do when you're NOT blogging?: - Spend time with my boys. We do all sorts of fun stuff together. You all read some of that fun stuff here. I won't bore you with more.

**How often do you blog?: - My blog time is pretty much determined by the amount of TV time. If there is time for me to sit in front of the TV, then I blog. How often is that for people?

**Tell us more about YOU:

Not much more to tell, that you haven't been able to read in my 304 posts here (when did I miss that milestone?) but the other blog is a different side of me. There are all sorts of sides to Grandy.

I work an average of 60 hours a week. I am the committee chair for the local boy scout troop, married to the Assistant Scoutmaster (yep that means I do his paperwork too), I'm on the school site council, involved in other random sporting, festive, fun events throughout the year, and in my free time I BLOG.

Despite all my commitments, you would never know I still suffer from commitment issues.

I keep threatening to expand on my drinking hobby...but I lack commitment.

I keep promising to expand on my exercise hobby...but I lack commitment.

I remind myself that I need more sleep...but alas...I lack commitment.

Thank you, Girly Anti-Geek, for bailing my ass out because I had no interviews to post agreeing to play along for this week's feature.

**Readers: If anyone wants to participate in my Sunday Stalker Spotlight, please leave me a comment so I can follow up with you. I have sent a few of the interview questions out to several of my stalkers, but I haven't gotten them back and I don't want to be a pest with the follow up. I want this feature to be fun for you, because I like learning about each of you. I don't mean to make it more work for anyone.**

WTF Wednesday - HUH?

This picture came through my email.

You CAN see what it is...right?

I'm guessing the weather was too warm for the boxer briefs?

WHO DOES THIS?!?

Can I See Some ID?

Grandy mentioned back here that she is a bit of a success story.

One of the things she did not mention, is some of the things that go along with what happens when you lose a significant amount of weight. Some things that one would not consider.

For instance...when buying a drink (of the adult nature of course), or going to a bar with my friends...Grandy gets carded. Not a HUGE problem...except...when your license looks like THIS:

**No Neck...Several Chins**

The look of this pic. It's um...well...matronly. Maybe not "matronly" as much as a dear sweet friend said I looked like a LUNCH LADY. Don't worry, the bitch sweet girl is still my friend.

When the bouncers, servers, or anyone in general looks at my ID, they do about a quadruple check. Look at the card...look at Grandy...squint at the card...check Grandy out...hold card away from face and try to imagine that Grandy can ever be THIS Grandy.

Thank goodness Grandy's birthday is coming up soon, and it was time for a renewal.

Proudly stepping up to the counter, I explain I'm there to renew my Driver's License. Then the fun and frivolity begins...

Me: Hi, I don't have an appointment, but I'm due to renew my license and hoped I could do that today?

DMV Lady: (Try to imagine a 4 foot Margaret Cho looking lady with FAR less personality) It says here that you can renew by mail.

Me: Yeah, I get that...but I have this problem. ::hand her my ID::

DMV Lady: ::squinting at card...repeating same steps as above:: So what is it you need?

Me: I need to be able to buy liquor without someone thinking it's a fake ID. I'd like to NOT draw attention to the fact that I ever looked like that. Do you know what I mean?

DMV Lady: ::rolling her eyes:: Please fill out these forms.

Woo Hoo!! Grandy is on her way to putting THAT GRANDY behind her!! It doesn't even matter that the DMV Lady didn't understand her plight. She never would, because she had NO PERSONALITY!!

Who's up for a drink now?

**Collar Bones...my new favorite accessory**

Early Sunday Stalker Spotlight - Mariuca

Happy Easter Readers!! I post this Sunday Stalker Spotlight a bit early because technically it is SUNDAY already where she is.

I was introduced to this lovely blogger through Entrecard. Her stories were cute, and she always had such a following. I have learned a lot from her, just by how she does things. She is always very sweet and appreciative of comments, and has the largest community of bloggers she calls Mariucans.

Readers...it is my pleasure to introduce you to this week's Sunday Stalker Spotlight Mariuca!!! She's a beautiful little lady, inside and out. I'm fortunate to have this connection clear across the world.




**Your Blog(s):


Wishing on a Falling Star is my main blog at http://www.mymariuca.com
Mariuca’s Perfume Gallery is my other blog at http://mariucasperfume.com/

**How long have you been blogging?: - Let’s see…back in 2006, November to be exact. I initially started with a Friendster blog but switched back to my blogger blog, which I had registered for the year before.


**Why do you blog?: - My blogs initially started as a way for me to share a little of my life with my closest friends. That was before I discovered all the blog communities out there and the many friends I made along the way. Now blogging is an addiction, which allows me to speak my mind and learn even more about not only life and work but friendship and blogging as well.


**What does your blog say about you?: - My blog beckons readers with stories about me as a freelance copywriter working from home, the hardship we freelancers go through and also the other daily stuff that comes along with my life as someone who works from home with a great passion for cats and perfume!


**What is your favorite part about blogging?: - I love the fact that my stories get heard by so many different people from all over the world. I love the fact that my blogs have their own respective fans and readers and mostly I love the support and encouragement that I never fail to receive from my true Mariucans!

**What DON’T you like about blogging?: - I prefer blogs that are well-written with topics that interest me. I am not a huge fan of political blogs and I love blogs that allow me much more than a mere glimpse into the life of the blogger, through the way they write and present their life stories and rambles.

**Does your blog personality match your offline personality?: - In more ways than one!

**How many blogs do you “follow”? - For now it’s a little more than 100 blogs.


**Do you comment?: - Ha ha! OF COURSE!!! What’s a blog without comments? ;)

**Does your family know you blog?: - Some family members know about my blogs.

**Do they read your blog?: - Not really although my older sister did comment on one of my posts last year, does that count? ;)

**What’s your favorite thing to do when you’re NOT blogging?: - When I’m not blogging, I love catching up on my favorite soap Bold and Beautiful, playing with my three furry friends Chubbs, Benji and Phoebe at home and of course, hang out with my hubby B!

**How often do you blog?: - Lately it has been a daily affair for me LOL! I wrote 34 posts in March, which is a huge leap from my usual 10! ;)


...and my favorite...

**Tell us more about YOU!! **

I am a Virgo perfectionist, which means that I take my blog writing seriously. Even if it’s just a meme or a tag, I’d triple check my words and spelling and I do actually edit my older posts! I guess that comes with my work as a copywriter, you just can’t be too careful and there’s always ways to improve your words. I have three adorable cats and a supportive husband, who has always given me support and encouragement to succeed in the blog world and currently, I am contemplating on a third blog! :)

Thank you, Marzie!! Isn't she lovely folks???

Thank you for being a stalker, and a bloggy friend!!

It is TOO a Word!!

Whenever Hubby is out of town, typically the boy and I like to do a little something special. It's our time. Whether or not we just cook dinner together, sit with the TV off and visit, or play a rousing rendition of "Crazy for You" on Guitar Hero II, we usually try to make it a special night.

Lately with work though, Grandy has been so tired that there have been a few "special" nights where he simply tucks me into bed, as I used to do him.

Last night I was not going to let go of that time so I suggested a Game Night. Not Guitar Hero II, or Halo, or some other noisy video game. He had his choice between Yahtzee and Scrabble... you know, dialogue games. His weapon of choice...SCRABBLE.

I happen to consider myself to be a pretty solid Scrabble player. Always on a mission for a competent Scrabble adversary (Hubby won't even try) I have found myself playing the big guy a few times. In the past it was essentially me playing against myself. I would help him put the words together and lay them out. Ultimately it got a bit old for me. Not sure if there is such a thing as Scrabble Solitaire, but I was trying it.

Folks, I am proud to say that Ty is becoming quite the Scrabble player. I had to help him several times, but not to come up with the words. He was coming up with the words on his own, he just needed a reminder of the rules on where he could put them. I wanted to kick myself when I would help him with the placement on a flipping 3 letter word, and the positioning would get him 38 points. I did that a few times.

How does that happen exactly? He adds O-B to a J, that happens to attach to another word, and he gets 22 points (or something stupid like that) and I put S-A-V-I-O-R down and get like 8 points.

Definitely an example of how Grandy overlooks the simple things carrying more weight, and over analyzing things.

...Wait...Did Grandy just get Philosophical? We'll stop that now.

So then Grandy decides to test her new foe. She puts down F-A-V-E.

Him: HEYYYYY!!! That's NOT A WORD!!!

Me: Sure it is!

Him: No it's NOOOT!! It's SLANG!!

Me: Nuh-Uh!!! (who's 13 here?)

Him: Yeah-Huh!! (that's right, he is)

...pause for him thinking...

Him: Who can we call?

Me: Gramma.

...pause for him dialing...

Him: Hi Gramma? Hi! It's Me. Yeah, um, Me and my Mom are playing Scrabble and she thinks that "fave" is a word...And I'm thinking...IT'S NOT!! Okay. Thanks!

...Folks I am laughing so hard at this point that he is instantly thought that maybe I've set him up somehow...

Him: (in his perfect neener neener voice) Gramma says you're supposed to be teaching me PROPER words, and I don't need any more SLANG!!!

That was awesome. He caught it, made me laugh until I cried, and I changed the word to F-A-T-E. It was SO worth it.

It was a great night. We laughed, talked, laughed some more, he got cocky by his lead, and I ultimately schooled him. S-C-H-O-O-L-E-D HIM!!

Yeah-Huh!! SCHOOLED IS A WORD!!!

WTF Wednesday - What's in a Name?

For today's WTF Wednesday, Grandy has found a product she didn't know existed.


This little doozie here can be bought here, but for the life of me, I can't imagine the purpose of a "Chicken Poop Free Range Poop Lip Balm".

Not quite sure what perplexes me more...



Chicken Poop? Does it matter if the Chicken was Free Range when it's POOP???

Full ON False Advertising

Dear President of PUTZ Company,

I write you this letter to make you aware of a gross unjustice.

The Grandy family uses your product religiously. The sandwich is the staple food here in the Grandy household. My guys will make a turkey sandwich instead of reaching for cookies or chips.

What I'm trying to say is...we buy your product because we LIKE it. You don't need to try to come up with crafty ways to sell your product. No need to wonder to yourself, "Gee...What will make people want to buy us more than the other guy?"

Grandy promises that it is not YOUR LID!

Really Mr. Sales & Marketing Guy? How many people make their comparisons based on THE LID?

Normally I wouldn't rant about such an advertising technique.

HOWEVER...(and you knew there was a BIG BUT here)...

Your LID LIES!!!

When you go out of your way to feature your "NEW Easy to Open Cap!", perhaps you should consider making sure the lid is indeed easy to OPEN!!

Grandy tries and tries, gets her 13 year old son to try, and ultimately has to have Hubby open the jar. If he's not home, we have a special strap thingy that opens jars that is really a pain to use, but it is STILL needed.

All I can say is...Your mustard or ketchup competitor never tried to make their lids lie like that.

Wait, maybe they did try the "NO MESS CAP!" BASTARDS!!!

You all SUCK!! Go back to what you did before with the lid so Grandy can make a dang sandwich by herself again, PLEASE!!

Thank You!

~ Grandy

Sunday Stalker Spotlight - Momisodes

When Grandy first started blogging, there was this sweet girl that kept poking her head in and out, leaving encouraging or funny comments. You know her by the cute smiling pic in her comments. If you have commented on Grandy's blog EVER, you have seen her.

We met at NaBloNoMo (or something like that) and have been bloggy buddies ever since. She even let me guest post over at her site HERE. Silly sucker Sweet Thing! Her blog has recently undergone an overhaul, and let me tell you...It looks AMAZING!!! A genuine person, a talented photographer, and a crazy real-life MOM, this lady juggles it all.

It is my pleasure to introduce you to Sandy Momisodes. You will love her! I promise!! I know I do!!!

**Your Blog(s): - Wow. I guess I'm pretty lame. I only have 1 blog (Momisodes.com). I am also a contributor for Momlogic.com in their local Boston group. Why do I all of a sudden feel like I'm standing up in front of everyone without pants on now?

**How long have you been blogging?: - I published my very first entry about two years ago. But don't read it. It's not good. Plus, I think I took a hack saw to most of my archives a few months ago.

**WHY do you blog?: - Writing has always been an outlet for me. Almost cathartic. So I created my blog as a personal space where I could document my life as a woman and mother, totally unscripted.

**What does your blog say about you?: - Hopefully that I'm not that boring, and that I am doing the best I can in life.

**What is your favorite part about blogging?: - To be honest. I often feel as if no one listens to me. It's been that way for most of my life. Me, just a meek Chinese girl with no real emotions, backbone, or opinion. So the best part about blogging is that it gives me a voice. A place where I can put it all in black and white, and make it as powerful or humorous as I want. Best of all, I'm finding that people out there do listen, and friendships and bonds can be made as a result.

**What DON'T you like about blogging?: - It can turn into a heavy addiction. Although it is an incredible release to write, read, and receive feedback, there are times when I feel as if I've become sucked into a black hole (don't ask me how many social networks I'm a member of) and it consumes my life.

**How often do you blog?: - For a year, I participated in Blog365 (a.k.a Blog360Suicide) and blogged daily. Now I try to post about 3-5 times a week.

**Do you comment?: - When I first discovered the blogosphere, I lurked. I visited blogs regularly, but never had the courage to write a comment. It was intimidating. Especially after reading some of the other clever, witty commentators. However, after I started my own blog, I remember how it felt to receive my first comment. The concrete evidence that someone else out there took the time to read my writing, and share their own experiences and thoughts. It was such a rush. Since then, I've instilled a rule that if I read a post, I must comment.

**Does your family know you blog?: - *sigh* If ONLY someone would have grabbed my face in their hands in the beginning and said, “Sandy, don't do it. Don't tell ANYONE about your blog. You'll regret it!” I would be in a better place. A place where I could blog freely about family members. Oh, the blog fodder would be endless. But then again, perhaps it is for the best. No one really wants to read endless strings of obscenities. It would be like watching Jerry Springer, in text.

**What's your favorite thing to do when you are NOT blogging?: - At this time, I am the main caretaker of my 3-year old daughter, so there is little room outside of blogging and folding laundry. But if I'm REAL lucky, I get to bask in the glory of a 5-minute shower or pee break...with the door closed...alone. Sans toddler. It's all about the simple things.

...And Grandy's favorite question to ask ALL stalkers...

**Tell us more about YOU:

In a nutshell, I’m a typical career mom turned work-at-home, turned stay-at-home. I worked for years as a traveling neonatal nurse- moving, saving babies, and holding my bladder for endless stretches of time. Now I’ve unpacked my bags in Boston, and occasionally use my stethoscope to plug my ears as a stay-at-home mom.

My husband (Dadisodes- aka video game creator/geek extraordinaire) and I have an amazing 3-year old girl (Babisodes) that looks nothing like me. Many claim that I was just an oven, but I assure you, she is mine and my DNA is there.

Please feel free to follow my episodic nonsense at Momisodes.com.

Thank you, Sandy, for being a faithful stalker of Functional Shmunctional. Thank you for your openness and honesty, both in your blog and here. I truly value what you share.

Congratulations on your upcoming feature for the Mommy Blogger Award!!

You rocked every vote!!!

WTF Friday - Bonus Track

Oh Yeah Readers...It's a bonus track of WTF!

Grandy has been putting in some LOOOONG days this week. Sorry for not getting around to see anyone, drop any cards, leave any snarky comments, and all that other warm fuzzy stuff.

It will get better soon...I think. (How many times has Grandy said that I wonder?)

Anywho...it is only right that I give you something to smile about.

Did you know there was an actual WTF FRIDAY site? Neither did I...until now. Look what they had over there:

Somehow the words, "Tastes like CHICKEN" takes on a whole new meaning.

Thanks, my fellow WTF Friend!!

WTF Wednesday

THIS IS CLASSIC!!

FAMILY BONDING AT IT'S BEST!!!

Grandy is WISHING she had this family bonding moment in HER album.

**Photo courtesy of Google Images & Ultimately Threadbombing.com**