Quite often this blog has helped me to put my life into perspective. If I'm trying to cope or deal with something, it has been a source of release to either vent or joke here. Writing helps me find the humor in things, and if I can laugh about them, they don't bother me as much.
Through things like, "Grandy has to have another surgery", I post about the horrible food or the crazy whacked out nurse that helped me. It's kind of a great coping mechanism.
Lately, I'm afraid even the blog hasn't been able to give me the outlet I've been searching for. I realize that my posts lately have been uber-crap (or at least in the Grandy-caliber scale). I come to my blog, see my "community" and apologize to you all for the lack of quality here in Grandy-land of late.
Recently I've been carrying a load that has tinted my blog-colored glasses. I can't mask things this time. I can't find the humor. It just plain sucks. So what did I do? I pulled away, posted randomness, and failed you all. I haven't even been able to bring myself to come read many of you in quite some time. Believe me, my readers are not the only ones to realize I'm different lately.
This morning I read this post over at Mama Mary Show. Mary is a beautiful writer who has a club. It's called the Dead Dad's Club. A club for daughters who have lost their fathers. She's even compiling a book of stories from members of the club (yes, a few of mine have been accepted for this book). The post made me cry, and it made me feel.
That's what I try to do here, and that's what's been lacking. Because I've been afraid of feeling anything, I've been blocked from writing anything of quality. Even as I write this, I'm choked up with the sense of..."Uh-Oh...here it comes!" But I write anyway because I realize it's time for me to do so. Wherever the journey takes me, we shall see. Whether I post all my writing here, we don't know that either.
Thank you for sticking around when I couldn't. You couldn't understand what it means to me, but I will try to make it up to you.
I now know it's time for me to write, to cry, to laugh, to feel.
And it's time for me to make you do the same.